Ignominy of being forgotten.
It was long long ago that I read a story written by Anita Desai that beautifully dealt with the above said – ignominy – the shame and disgrace in being comfortably forgotten.
The death-drop – the sinking feeling in your stomach when you think about the possibility that your friends/family/acquaintances could simply carry on – without you. Not after making peace with missing you, but rather forgetting to miss you.
The feeling of being dispensable, forgettable, replaceable – almost denying you your past presence.
Have I felt this way before?
I am, but a shadow of what I was.
My body still flaunting exaggerated curves;
Full breasts – expectant of something that, now, will not happen.
Dull aches and pains in my joints and hips;
painfully reminiscent of the inkling of life inside me – gone by.
Veins in my arms, with fading blue knots on them
reminding me of the innumerable pokes I dared.
Toe nails with no paint on them
bringing back memories of the day I decided.
The lump in my throat
the void in my gut – all too real to ignore,
the perfect absence you left.
Things will change – they say
A spot of sunshine, a rainbow, a song;
Good food, happy evening with friends and time.
We know how hard it is – they say.
I wish they knew.
Without you, I am but a shadow of what I was.
The first time I took notice of him was when he asked me if he could draw my eyes. He was my co-passenger. For the next week, he found a seat opposite me in the bus that weaved through the streets between my workplace and home and sketched away, while I read my book. He was an artist who was taking classes in a nearby college, and I was just another subject. I loved the way his hands worked magic on the paper. When he was done, the eyes on his paper looked like mine – but spoke a different language and told different stories. My co-passenger was an artist, alright.
Yesterday, as my train pulled into London Victoria, I caught a reflection of my tired eyes in the window and was reminded of him.
I guess, the stories my eyes told, on his paper all those years ago, were mine after all.